Bye for a While .....

Today we picked up the keys to our new house - yippee :-)

However the flipside is that our Internet access is being disconnected tomorrow so I shall be netless for the next 4 weeks.

So - see y'all when I get back

Tink xxx

Welcome President Obama - can you give us a hand with this sofa...? Oh ... you're busy? Whatever..

So I guess I should say something about the new President of the United States. Welcome President Barack Obama .... Yes We Can! Huzzah!!!

But in all honesty - do I really care - Not really. Is he going to help us move on Saturday? Why should he - my own family aren't so why would he ... I'm sure he's got better things to do too.

Yeah - OK, I'm a little mad. We've lived in our tiny overbearing house for 18 months now ... 12 months longer than we were supposed to be here...and my moods have gotten progressively worse with every passing month. In our old spacious, clean, light, friendly house I had room to breathe and could almost feel the weight lifting off my shoulders and everything was more positive, more upbeat. Of course that was all snatched away in the blink of an eye when the evil Landlord sold it from under us and we had to move into our current hellhole at a moments notice. But now we are finally on the move again - a bigger, better house. More room to breathe and space to spread out in .... I can finally buy wardrobes - I've almost forgotten what it's like to hang clothes up. 'T' will no longer be able to blame the shithole she calls a bedroom on the fact that half the space is full of unpacked boxes and an extra bed.

So to moving ... Saturday. We've blagged a van, we have an extra pair of hands from The Mighty Atom - but are our families rushing to help? Are they hell. Oh - we've had an interim loan from Nyge's parents to help cover the first months rent until we get paid next week, but no offers of lending a hand. My parents can do it next weekend ... that's nice ... but we're moving this weekend.

I think what hurts the most is that my own mother 'advised' me not to ask my brother. Ah - my brother - the great pro-creator. Has produced a grandchild through natural means and has therefore been elevated to a status of GOD. I merely married into my family - my addition to the grandchild pool came fully formed, walking and talking, and thereby not a 'proper' grandchild. Well - sorry to tell you this dear family - but she's the only one you're getting from me.

I dunno - she's right tho' in a way - I've come to realise over the past couple of years that I don't like my brother very much. I love him - I just don't like him. He's loud, over-opinionated, smug, condescending ..... and all in all not someone I need to be around. And in my parent's eyes he's always going to be better than me. When we were growing up I was always the smart one, the one that was going to make something of my life. I was going to go to University and have a stellar career. I was going to be the one who succeeded in life and made something of myself. I was the one who passed all my exams and had 'a bright future'.

Then I got 'Sick'.....

Oh I made it to University - got kicked out after one year as I never attended lectures - but everyone knew my name as I was the 'crazy chick' with the thigh length purple hair and an never-ending supply of poppers who attended every party, slept with every guy and had the voice of a soul queen. I was fun with a capital F, a capital U and a capital N. My brother couldn't get enough of me then - he spent an entire summer camped on my bedroom floor just to be where the party was.

Six months later I was unemployed, living in a grotty bedsit on a tenner a week - leaving the house only to buy cigarettes and coffee - and no-one crashed on the bedroom floor then did they?

I think I'll dye my hair purple again...

Tink xxx

I wish I was a dog...

...If I were a dog no-one would care about the fact that I need to sleep for 16 hours a day punctuated by mad hyper moments. In fact if I were a dog it would be positively expected of me.



...If I were a dog someone would come out for a walk with me every day and I wouldn't be expected to take myself out ... they would panic if I left the house alone. Don't they understand that sometimes I can barely get downstairs on my own never mind tripping the light fantastic ..... or even going to the shops for a pack of cigs and a pint of milk.

...If I were a dog no-one would care about the fact that I hadn't had a bath for a week. Nobody would say 'just 'cos you're ill doesn't mean you can't wash' .... it's not that I don't want to but the closest a bath has figured in my mind over the past few days has been when I considered slitting my wrists in one. And if they did care they'd do something about it instead of just bitching - seriously, you think your bitching is helping my mood?

...If I were a dog nobody would think it odd that I didn't eat unless food was placed in front of me. Nobody would expect me to create fantastic family meals and eat at the table with a smile on my face. No-one would care that I just ate stuff out of a can.

...If I were a dog I wouldn't have to worry about money - no-one would stress that I'm going to spend next months rent on my latest 'hobby' - after all tennis balls and squeaky toys are never going to break the bank - though I'm sure I'd give it a damn good try.



...If I were a dog no-one would think it strange that I never answer the 'phone...

I wish I were a dog.

I came back....

I've started so many of these things and invariably I end up forgetting about them - I guess 'cos I usually start them at the beginning of a Manic phase and by the time its all over I don't remember where I put it - a bit like losing your car keys I guess??

So - Rabbit was a no show but I expected that! What I didn't expect was that he wants to get together Monday - so feel a little better about it. I get so frustrated - like, my oldest, closest, dearest friends always bitch about not seeing me enough - but it's always me who has to go to them - god forbid they get in their cars (which they can afford due to their well-paid jobs) and leave their houses (which they own - again because of their well-paid jobs) and visit ME - no! I have to save up the train fare to visit them and contribute to the evenings libations. But I do it - I always will - it's the only place other than at home with my husband I feel safe to let go and have a drink - anywhere else is just asking for trouble.

I've been having a lot of flashbacks recently - guess its 'cos I've been re-connecting with people from my dim and distance past - and some of the things that are coming back to haunt me aren't particulary pleasant. Mainly to do with drinking and dangerous liasons with unknowns. Scares me really - 'T', my step-daughter - is only 4 or 5 years younger than I was when it really started and I worry about what awaits her when she finally cuts ties and runs off to Uni. She can't wait but I dread every passing day.

I didn't mention before - although I was officially diagnosed in 2005 the fact that I have MD has been on my record since I was 17 - so it's kinda like I had this thing but nobody bothered to tell me. makes me mad - if I'd been treated earlier maybe my whole life would be different - maybe I'd have been able to hold down a steady job - maybe I'd have had children - maybe maybe maybe. oh don't get me wrong - I love being married to Nyge and I love 'T' with every ounce of my being y'know but maybe I wouldn't have been so fucked up by the time I found them that we could have had a normal life together instead of one where we are crippled with debt because of my manic spending sprees and struggling to get back on our feet because of the debilitating depressive episodes where I don't get out of bed for a month - let alone hold down a steady job.

I miss Annie - Annie makes me happy - she's loud and energetic and full of life. I love Tix too but he's quiet and sedate and just wants to sleep. He even gets grumpy when I wake him up - even if I've been asleep for 16 hours and he's been curled up at my feet the whole time he still looks at me with that 'already?' look on his face when I finally get up. Annie makes me get up - she bounces on me with the enthusiasm of a child at christmas - 'come on come on - it's a new day' she tells me. I can't wait for her to come home in February. I hope she wants to come home - I wish I could tell if she missed me too.

I guess I should try to get some sleep - have to be up in 6 hours .... ah shit ... I've just remembered I haven't taken my meds .... bollocks!

Tink xxxx

Well .......Hello, I Guess.....

.....and welcome!





A nice way to start I feel. Not gonna blather on about who I am - read my profile it's all in there. I guess I should really say why I am writing this blog - and hoping someone will read it. I was diagnosed in September 2005 with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder and less than 4 years later I've bored everyone I know to tears with it so need to seek a new audience!

Actually thats not strictly true - I haven't bored anyone to tears (except maybe my lovely Nyge and my CMHW Jacquie) as I have no one left to bore to tears - you know that saying about a sinking ship? Well I was that ship and boy! did I have a lot of rats leave me....

Oh they're all still there in the background - some have even been nice enough to friend me on Facebook as they just couldn't be brave enough to admit they didn't want to associate with me once I'd been tarred with the 'mental health' brush - but I haven't been invited on many nights out recently. They know who they are...

Then again it could be my fault - what with the 3 week sleep-a-thons and never having any money due to the fact that every new obssession is the one that will make me a fortune so I need all the right gear - right? And the fact that I no longer drink like a fish and dance til sunrise - preferring a nice night in with the telly and a mug of tea and a box of sour cream and chive pringles. (Is it a box or a tub?or even a tube?)


So - today is what? 14th of a new year and I have been outside of my front door for approximately 6 hours since the dawn of 2009...and most of that was enforced due to our current predicament of having only 16 days left until we are homeless....Happy New Year! I'm hoping to spend sometime with my friend Rabbit today, who cancelled on me last week due to a hangover, but I feel this will be cancelled too as judging by his Facebook comments he may have made other plans. Watch This Space!


Tink xxxx