I came back....

I've started so many of these things and invariably I end up forgetting about them - I guess 'cos I usually start them at the beginning of a Manic phase and by the time its all over I don't remember where I put it - a bit like losing your car keys I guess??

So - Rabbit was a no show but I expected that! What I didn't expect was that he wants to get together Monday - so feel a little better about it. I get so frustrated - like, my oldest, closest, dearest friends always bitch about not seeing me enough - but it's always me who has to go to them - god forbid they get in their cars (which they can afford due to their well-paid jobs) and leave their houses (which they own - again because of their well-paid jobs) and visit ME - no! I have to save up the train fare to visit them and contribute to the evenings libations. But I do it - I always will - it's the only place other than at home with my husband I feel safe to let go and have a drink - anywhere else is just asking for trouble.

I've been having a lot of flashbacks recently - guess its 'cos I've been re-connecting with people from my dim and distance past - and some of the things that are coming back to haunt me aren't particulary pleasant. Mainly to do with drinking and dangerous liasons with unknowns. Scares me really - 'T', my step-daughter - is only 4 or 5 years younger than I was when it really started and I worry about what awaits her when she finally cuts ties and runs off to Uni. She can't wait but I dread every passing day.

I didn't mention before - although I was officially diagnosed in 2005 the fact that I have MD has been on my record since I was 17 - so it's kinda like I had this thing but nobody bothered to tell me. makes me mad - if I'd been treated earlier maybe my whole life would be different - maybe I'd have been able to hold down a steady job - maybe I'd have had children - maybe maybe maybe. oh don't get me wrong - I love being married to Nyge and I love 'T' with every ounce of my being y'know but maybe I wouldn't have been so fucked up by the time I found them that we could have had a normal life together instead of one where we are crippled with debt because of my manic spending sprees and struggling to get back on our feet because of the debilitating depressive episodes where I don't get out of bed for a month - let alone hold down a steady job.

I miss Annie - Annie makes me happy - she's loud and energetic and full of life. I love Tix too but he's quiet and sedate and just wants to sleep. He even gets grumpy when I wake him up - even if I've been asleep for 16 hours and he's been curled up at my feet the whole time he still looks at me with that 'already?' look on his face when I finally get up. Annie makes me get up - she bounces on me with the enthusiasm of a child at christmas - 'come on come on - it's a new day' she tells me. I can't wait for her to come home in February. I hope she wants to come home - I wish I could tell if she missed me too.

I guess I should try to get some sleep - have to be up in 6 hours .... ah shit ... I've just remembered I haven't taken my meds .... bollocks!

Tink xxxx